Dealing With Negative Relationships in Communities of Faith
Many times church is described as a hospital for the spiritually sick. Lately, I cringe when I hear that definition. People go to a hospital to get well. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, but very few people walk into a hospital expecting to leave in the same conditions or worse off. This is often the case in many congregations. When church- going is seen as an obligation or something you do at least once a week to earn points, when authenticity and joy are removed from worship and praise, room is given to all kinds of ills. As a consequence the focus is lost and the very place that should have brought healing brings pain.
No one expects communities of faith to be perfect spaces where nobody ever gets hurt. We’re humans and we still have the tendency to make mistakes. There are moments in which you simply turn a deaf ear to the negative voices and praise on. But there are times when the abuse crosses the line and you need to speak up or step away. Learning to identify when it’s time to act takes a lot of spiritual discernment because each situation is different. Don’t make a move based on the opinions of your friends; listen to what God speaks into your heart. Many people have the erroneous idea that it’s your duty to stay and suffer in silence or that you need to toughen up and take it. I beg to differ. I seriously doubt God intends for us to be mistreated when we gather to worship him. Not only is it disturbing to the parties involved, it’s blatantly disrespectful to his name.
I’m well aware that changing congregations is not an easy thing to do. In fact, your situation might not require such a drastic decision. But much in the same way that, for your personal emotional health you would walk away from an abusive relationship, there are certain behaviors and attitudes within communities of faith that should not be tolerated because doing so would be detrimental to the spiritual growth of both the victim and the perpetrator.
Whether you’re trying to decide if you should stay or just trying to choose a new place of worship, be on the lookout for:
1. Destructive gossip. While a certain level of hearsay can be considered a normal human trait, gossip that is deliberately designed to obliterate reputations should be publicly denounced. Chatting about So-and-so’s new car is one thing, but spreading false rumors about where he got the funds to pay for the car is totally unacceptable. Staying in the face of outrageous gossip that has the sole intention of destroying you doesn’t make you the bigger person. It might just open the door for more misunderstanding because it has been rightly said that evil thrives when good people do nothing.
2. Excessive physical contact. Touching is powerful. Jesus touched a lot of the people he healed because it gave back to them a sense of worth. However, we need to be careful to not allow friendliness to be misinterpreted or misconstrued. I’ve heard stories of women and children being abused sexually by members of their congregation, some within the walls of their place of worship. I know of one Pentecostal pastor who got tired of the ill-intentioned affability and forbade his congregation to hug or kiss. Only handshakes for those members.
3. Racism, stereotypes, and other forms of prejudice. While it might seem preposterous to suggest that discrimination can exist within a community of faith, it happens. I sat in shock during one service as the preacher passionately said from the pulpit that he could hardly wait to get to heaven because we would all be white there. He went on to explain that sin had darkened us, but in heaven we would all be made perfect again. The real shock came when the congregation, of mostly dark-skinned members, dutifully said “amen”. We never worshipped there again.
4. Disregard for children. Visionary congregations make the best possible provisions for their children because they have figured out that if they want them to grow up and remain in their faith, they need to feel loved and accepted. In too many churches children are given old, discarded furniture and ugly facilities while the adults sit in comfort and luxury. Often the people assigned to instruct children are as untalented, crass, and lackluster as steel wool. My entire family was devastated when we found out that my daughter, who was about four at the time, had been verbally mistreated for months by her teacher. We only heard about it when another teacher spoke up. Because we could no longer trust these adults, we left.
5. Little love for those in need. The Bible clearly states that Christians should be identified by their love for others. Beware of the congregation that’s so fixated on goals and programs that they forget to love. People are heartbroken and need to see and feel genuine love. Millions are starving, addicted to drugs, physically and emotionally abused, or grieving the loss of loved ones. Communities of faith cannot continue to look on while the world dies. Recently a woman who is in charge of community outreach in her congregation confided to me that sometimes the foods donated stay there and rot. I was stunned! And what’s worse is that this particular congregation is located in a low income area. How could they not find anybody to feed?
Regardless of what you’re facing, don’t just pack up and leave. Ask for discernment. God will speak to you clearly. But once he does, don’t let anyone talk you out of your decision. I can tell you that once my husband and I got clear indication that we needed to move, very few people understood. Members called to coax, cajole, warn, and even threaten us. But we had heard from the Lord and we chose to obey. Once the novelty wore off, most people accepted that we had done the right thing.
The place you choose to worship doesn’t need to be fancy or perfect but it needs to be a place where you are nurtured to live your best life for the service of others.